Drunken Trump drives through Israel

Trump’s announcement to move the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, and recognizing Jerusalem as Israel’s capital, has taken many by surprise. Some of Trump’s supporter’s have turned against him believing that he is simply bending over for Israel, while many of those who detested him now stand by him on this issue, as they support an Israeli state at all costs. The Christian community is torn, Catholics believe Trump’s decisions is foolhardy and will cause too many problems, whereas the evangelists, who believe Christ will only return when the Jews have all of their land back, completely support Trump’s decision, as usual. The Jewish community is also torn, many progressive Jews, especially within the US who speak out against Israel’s treatment of Palestinians, are against Trump whereas many orthodox Jews, primarily in Israel, are overjoyed. The Muslim community however are not torn, they firmly stand against Trump.

With so many in a standstill, Trump has decided to lead by example by taking it upon himself to kickoff the embassy moving party. It was reported late last night by Trump’s out of his league wife, that after a night of drinking he decided to fly to Israel to begin packing. Sources say that early this morning Trump loaded up a U-Haul and began to drive from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. Trump’s passenger, as Trump saw it, or his captive, as the guy riding shotgun saw it, managed, by chance, to escape a bad situation. In his own words, Earl Saunders said:

Yeah, I was working in the embassy when a very drunk Donald Trump showed up out of no where screaming, “where the hell do you keep the American’s!?” After he saw me he came up to me and asked me where I was from, I said Toronto. After he made a really sarcastic noise with his lips like a horse he said, “ah I suppose that’ll do,” then grabbed me and handed me a lamp which he told me to take outside to the moving van he had parked on the sidewalk. He then said to me, “get in the car Bob,” so I did, I don’t know why, but I did. We started driving to God knows where so I asked him where we were going, he just said “the holy land Bob, get with the program,” I still didn’t know exactly what he meant as we were just driving deep out into the desert, and I have no idea why he kept calling me Bob, my name is Earl. Anyway, I started to panic when I looked around and realized I was alone with a very drunk Donald Trump. He picked up on my fear and when he did he said to me, “here Bob have some whiskey you’ll like it, its Canadian made, one thing you people are good at.” I didn’t really appreciate that comment because I found it offensive, not to mention I’m a recovering alcoholic. After about the tenth time I refused him he laughed and dumped the whiskey on my head while saying “here Bob, a Canadian bath!” so I lost my temper and started hitting him. He found that to be very amusing, he said to me “you’re cute when you’re angry Bob, but you can’t punch worth a damn, let me show you how its done.” After he said that he punched me right in the face which pressed me up against the door somehow causing me to open it and fall out of the van. It was a good thing that I did though because after I picked myself up from rolling across the hot desert ground, and after I sucked all of the whiskey out of my clothes, I saw a white pickup truck with a gun mounted in the bed come straight towards the van the president was driving. I’m not sure that he saw them because he didn’t slow down, he ran full speed into that white truck, come to think of it he sped up to hit them. After I saw him do that I thought to myself, ‘what a crazy bastard.’ After all the smoke and sand had cleared I saw six men put a bag over the president’s head and throw him into the back of their truck. Luckily they drove off before they saw me. I have no idea what happened to president Trump.

An extremist organization in Palestine, identified as the QDR, have demanded a one million dollar ransom for Donald Trump. After the ransom was refused they lowered it to $25,000. Having no luck getting any money they offered to give him back for a couple of pairs of blue jeans. After being refused to get anything they are now begging America to take him back. America has responded, “he’s yours now, good luck.”