The illusive bigfoot has been discovered in the mountains of Virginia after two brothers had an unusual encounter with him on their land. Michael and Emmet O’Malley spend most of their time deep within the wooded mountains of Virginia scratching out a living for themselves distilling moonshine. About a month ago the O’Malley brothers headed up to their cabin to finish up their latest batch of shine when they claim to have come face to face with the one and only bigfoot. In his own words Emmet O’Malley explained:
Being born and raised in these hills my brother and I know them like the back of our hands, which gives us a strong advantage with our chosen career. See, in order to evade the damned law who are always trying to smash-up our stills and throw us in the slammer, we must be good at hiding from them, and one of the main things we do to keep those bastards as far off of our tail as possible is go deep as hell into the hills, and when you’re that deep you tend to see and hear things that you wouldn’t closer to civilization. One night I woke up to the sound of someone messing around our still. I thought it was those lousy local cops sniffing around where they shouldn’t be, so I grabbed my rifle, woke my brother up, gave him his rifle and we ran outside ready for a gunfight. When we got out there we noticed that the still had been tampered with but not destroyed, it wasn’t the signs of any law’s doing so I started to think aliens had come down to sample our shine. Just after I asked my brother how mush shine he thought the aliens had made off with I heard a loud growl right behind me, when I turned to see what the hell it was I saw bigfoot run straight at me. Well, that big bastard couldn’t run for shit because after a few steps he tripped right over his own two big feet and then fell against a tree and knocked himself out cold. When I got up near him to take a closer look I noticed that I could’ve lit his breath on fire. Yeah that ol’ boy was drunker than a leprechaun on Saint Paddy’s day, he must’ve drank over a gallon of pure white lightning. So, my brother and I tied him up and made plans to retire after selling him. But after drinking in celebration we decided to let him go after my brother made an excellent point.
According to Michael O’Malley:
We were just sitting there drinking over a tied up bigfoot when it came to me, if we bring him back to town and try to sell him while he’s all chained up we’re no better than the damned cops who would chain us up if they caught us making shine. So I explained to my brother that we should let him go because we both hate jail and that’s exactly what we were doing to bigfoot, locking him up. Not to mention after dating this California gal for a while I got really into karma after hearing her talk so much about it, so I figured letting bigfoot go would be good karma.
Letting bigfoot go was good karma indeed, the O’Malley brothers sold their recipe to a major alcohol company for several million dollars while maintaining creative control of the product itself. Their now legal moonshine will be available after the new year nationwide. You’ll be able to find it by finding strong enough to throttle bigfoot, written across the bottle.