Contract Killers Across the Country Having Trouble Finding Work: Economic Downturn Coming

In an exclusive interview, Sleeper Cells spoke with Clarence “the Ghoul” Crowder. Over the course of the interview, he made it clear the economy is headed for a downturn. The nation’s contract killers have often been used as a barometer for the economy. When the economy is doing well, the wealthy have money to spend eliminating their rivals. When it is doing poorly, the wealthy elites are having trouble just paying the bills on their homes and planes.

Clarence, a long-time contract killer, told us that the boom cycle of the 1990s for his former industry is over. He also added that today political and business rivals are using character assassination and cyber-espionage when they used to use a bullet.

“Yeah man, back in the 90s, there was always a plane to sabotage or person to suicide. Today, they just kill the person’s reputation. That’s just inhumane. Why let someone live after they are completely destroyed? Have some mercy.”

We asked if there was any relief on the horizon for his industry.

“We were all pretty much hanging our hope on Clinton winning the election. When they’re in power, we’ve always got lots of work. [Laughter.] Hell, even when they’re just running for office, we have lots of work. It’s funny in a way. They’re so anti-gun, but man, when they have the power every day is packed. We used to have to trade jobs because we’d be flying all over the country. So a couple of east coast guys would trade with west coast guys and everything worked out. The industry really came into its own back then. Maybe Chelsea will run, but to be honest she’s Oxford educated and part of that new breed that uses Twitter instead of a hitter.”

He also remarked how people were more informed back then and today all a candidate has to do is scream the opposition is lying and his or her followers will believe it. The only good news, says Clarence, is that with the wall going up, the cartels will likely increase their rate of assassinations on the border.

“I mean come on, it’s not like those guys are just going to give up because a fence. They’ll be hiring. I guess I’m going to have to learn to Spanish. A lot of guys already do, but I’m from Arkansas. I never learned.”

Sleeper Cells did an exhaustive search of FBI records and, indeed, Clarence’s observations match up with the data. Contract killings have taken a downturn. Those that do happen are foiled because the purchaser tried to save a few pennies and found the killer through Craigslist.