Kenny the Narc

A man who fancies himself a police officer took his fantasy a bit too far last Saturday night at a local bar in his hometown. Kenny Hogg is a 48-year-old man with plenty of time on his hands, time which he uses to patrol the mean streets of his small town looking to bust hardened criminals running wild, before they can 50-50 grind a curb that they’re prohibited from skating on. The 5’1″ man weighing 115lbs, with flat feet, and mental health issues failed his police applicant test, for unknown reasons, several years ago, but didn’t let that stop him from serving the red, white, and blue. Mr. Hogg, or Kenny the narc, an honorary title placed unto him by the children he busts, and the police he adores, cleans up the streets of Shelbyville, in his own unique mind.

In his oversized truck, that only men of his stature seem to drive, Kenny patrols the streets with a police scanner handy, and a set of flashing lights altered enough so as not to be illegal, but convincing enough to fool teen drivers, drunks and idiots, and the elderly into pulling over. Though Kenny has pulled several people over, and has issued them with his homemade tickets, his specialty lies in calling the police on skaters after they chase him away for trying to take their boards. Over the weekend Kenny took things too far in his quest to terrorize young men who are taller than him.

On Saturday night Kenny saw two of the skaters he hates so much walk into a local bar. As he watched the teenagers walk through the door of Zack’s Place his blood boiled, but rather than call the police, who he felt would take too long to get the job done, he grabbed his handheld scanner and backpack, and walked through the door himself. Once he entered the bar he shouted at the top of his lungs, “get over here immediately you two, you’re under age I’m placing you under arrest,” after no one heard the meager shouts of the little man he reached into his backpack, grabbed his bullhorn, and repeated the command, this time they heard him, but the reaction he received was not what he was hoping for. The bar erupted in laughter and worse yet the two teenagers he was after remained where they were. When the laughter died down someone yelled, “is that Kenny the narc, or are we serving hobbits now?” After that the laughter exploded again with even greater gusto, but this time Kenny had enough, he once again reached into his backpack, pulled out a paintball gun and started firing into the crowd.

This time the crowd reacted in a way Kenny had always dreamed of, they ran towards the back exit terrified and screaming, except for one brave man who had his fill of whiskey that night, Justin Scoth. Justin was the only one not to move during the ambush, instead with the strength of his Celtic ancestors, and the whisky they made, he walked towards Kenny. After getting shot three times in the chest with red paintballs, Justin, who in his drunken state thought the gun was real, believed he was invincible. Justin let out a mighty roar as he walked closer and closer towards Kenny, all the while getting shot repeatedly. When he got to Kenny Justin stuck his finger in the barrel and laughed, Kenny pulled the trigger but was out of paintballs, but Justin felt the CO2 and believing he stopped the bullet laughed harder. After that Justin threw a brutal uppercut which sent Kenny flying backwards and through the pane glass window. The other six men in the bar who were as drunk as Justin saw the whole thing and now praise him as a god.

After police arrived and got the story straight they arrested the still knocked out Kenny, but released him the next day because they feel so sorry for him, provided he pay for all the damages, including drinks spilled. The two teenagers in the bar, who were talking to their boss about their work schedule in the adjoining restaurant, escaped unscathed. Kenny has not left his home since the paintball incident, he now focuses the majority of his time on his doxxing campaign.