Nearly two weeks after the Salem sighting of Sarromadomdom, the Wiccan spirit of doom, witches and warlocks everywhere are in a panic! The good ones who unwittingly practice the dark arts, the bad ones who practice the darkest dark arts, and every high school kid with a copy of The Book of Shadows is freaking out! The whole Wiccan world may sadly come to an end. According to college freshman Lauren Downs, the leader of the coven Sarromadomdom appeared before, said with tears in her eyes and anger in her heart.
“I saw him, we saw him, we asked for his blessing and to be filled with his spirit and then a mighty flash appeared in the sky and our bonfire grew in size and the redness of the flames became redder than the reddest red in hell! It was then that a member of my coven fell into a trance and said with a snarling voice unlike any mere mortal has ever possessed rumtum toooo maaa loooooo defa zoooma ek ayy Sarromadomdom! Mek kleego mi achee fo daya de falalaloleeeeee, enk trumpaza decaca koolata te tu!, Oonbock re chilotos, oonbok which from the knowledge imparted unto me by the spirit Razdo I can tell you with certainty exactly what was said. Okay ready, you’re gonna wanna write this down, and you’re still taking my picture for this article right? Okay well don’t quote me on that, yeah I know it’s recording but just don’t write it down, okay whatever so anyway he said and I quote, wait I said that already let me start over. The mighty ones words in the limited English tongue were, be hold all thee in my presence I am Sarromadomdom! I’ve come to warn you of impending doom! The Trump declares war on you! Run my children, run. So what he means is Trump, like president Trump you know? Well he is coming after us for all the spells we’ve put on him and he is going to burn every witch at the stake just like his ancestors, the evil white man, I mean the evil cis white man, anyway, Sarromadomdom tells those of us with any fear in our hearts to run, run far away, like to England where the greatest witch of all Elizabeth our chosen god-queen lives, Okay, so then Sarromadomdom also meant like those of us with no fear must fight, fight harder!, Oh you’ve got to go? Oh okay really? What do you mean your wife is calling you told me you weren’t married right before I.. hey .. hey wait.. what about my picture!?”
Trump has issued a statement to the witches.
“Listen I’ve seen the craft I know what you lot are up to, I tell ya what I’m going to do, I’m going to find that nice witch, the one who beats the mean one at the end of the movie, I’m gonna grab her by the.. excuse me, I’m going to kindly ask her to put spells on you! So watch out, any more tricks and I’ll unleash the spirit of the trickiest of them all on you! That’s right, Nixon!”