New Drug Destroys Empathy, Promises Success

After years of clinical trials and long-awaited FDA approval, empdestroex™, America’s new wonder drug will be available by prescription tomorrow. Dr. Anton Crowley, the brainchild behind empdestroex, is very proud of his creation, “I’m very excited this will now be available to the public, it has taken me a lifetime to bring this to you and if I could feel happiness, I’m sure I would be overjoyed right now.”

The drug is in a category of its own and is marketed as the first of its kind as an EIDF or empathy inhibitor dopamine facilitator drug. In the words of Dr. Crowley, “empdestroex is one of a kind, it manipulates the brain in the deep limbic system, prefrontal cortex, anterior cingulate gyrus, basal ganglia, and temporal lobes to primarily obliterate empathy and suppress emotions.” Why would anybody take such a drug you may ask. According to Dr. Crowley, “in my field and particularly my brother’s field of finance I noticed that those who climbed the corporate ladder the fastest, who made the most money, drove the most expensive cars, and lived in the lavish houses were psychopaths or sociopaths, no they weren’t killers like movies would make you believe, they just had no empathy for anybody, they only cared for themselves and so they became very successful by any means necessary, whether it was cheating clients out of money or throwing a coworker under the bus for example, they did it with no remorse and reaped the benefits.”

A drug such as that for the masses, but why? Dr. Crowley claims, “I believe in America and with this drug one will do one’s job to the best of one’s ability, things like love and family won’t really matter, the only thing that will matter is success, you don’t need to concern yourself with trying to please someone to see them smile or wait for a special event to feel joy, joy won’t exist when you’re prescribed empdestroex but of course you feel good with the amount of dopamine the drug pumps to your brain, the more of us that take this the better off the corporations will be, and isn’t that what America is anyway one giant corporation? Yes. Like one of my earliest clients of the drug I just want to say, let’s make America great again.”