Dr. Severin Swan, CEO of Rock Holdings, one of the worlds largest pharmaceutical companies, stated to the press yesterday, “I was visited by God himself last week and he showed me my fate in the afterlife, the smell of the fire and brimstone alone was enough to drive me to confess my sins and to reveal to the world the truth.”
We will never know what was revealed to Dr. Swan by God but we do know that as of last Sunday Dr. Swan has been seen attending daily mass in his hometown at St. Mary’s Cathedral in Linz, Austria. He has also given his fortune to charity and has stepped down as CEO of Rock Holdings.
What’s next for Dr. Severin Swan only God knows, some say he has joined the monastery in an attempt to live out his days strictly devoted to God, others say as of today he has gone into hiding as he fears for his life. The latter of the two speculations may hold more truth as Dr. Swan’s thirty six page memo to the public has ruffled the feathers of some very powerful people. In it Dr. Swan explains,
“we at the top pumping all you sick people full of chemicals have had the cure for many diseases, including cancer, for decades. We would not be able to afford the luxuries we so desire in our own daily lives, even if we sold each of you your own personal cure for one million dollars. The only way for us to live is to essentially sell you little bits of time rather than a full healthy life. In most cases, we produce both the illness and the treatment. We would sit back and laugh at how you poor people would through all the cash you had for one more day of a sick life, in all honesty, many of us were quite jealous of you. I personally never understood how you could have so little and love so much, until now.”
As of this morning, the whereabouts of Dr. Swan are unknown. The last words he may have ever said, in his statement to the press, may very well have been “I beg your forgiveness, Oh Jesus what have I done, I beg your forgiveness.”