Florida Man Goes on Naked Rampage

A Florida man is in custody after an apparent nervous breakdown. Justin King, editor of The Fifth Column (our parent outlet), is facing multiple felony counts after his breakdown. According to witnesses, King ran from TFC headquarters moments before it was engulfed in flames. He then ran down the street, tearing bits of his clothing off until he was wearing nothing but combat boots, a baseball cap, and a Palestinian scarf fashioned into a loin cloth. He was mumbling incoherently about people commenting before reading an article. At a nearby coffee shop, he asked a customer if it was a Starbucks. When the customer said no, King replied “close enough” and threw a brick through the window anyway.

Further down the road, King stole liquor and rags from a bar whose patrons were utterly in shock at the sight of a “naked bald bearded albino”. He is alleged to have stood in the middle of the road holding molotov cocktails and asking people to light them for him while singing “Message in a bottle”. Apparently, he lost his lighter when he stripped. Unable to obtain a lighter from fleeing pedestrians, King ran into a cigar shop for matches. He was picked up and carried out by the cashier. King, still clutching the liquor bottles, was reportedly screaming, “I’ve been thrown out of better places than this.” The cashier threw King to the pavement.

When the presumably intoxicated man regained his footing, he began walking down the street. Police arrived moments later and King immediately began asking if he was being detained. According to reports, when officers asked King to drop the bottles of liquor, King began running while attempting to drink one of the bottles. Half a block and half a bottle down the road, King ran full speed into a lamppost, knocking himself down. Officers handcuffed King as he repeatedly screamed, “I thought this was America!” Moments later, they tasered him “just because.”

King is currently being held without bond.

A review of King’s communications from shortly before the rampage revealed that his last act as editor of TFC was to turn Sleeper Cells into a satire site.