The two national sports of Canada, hockey and lacrosse, have come under attack by a group who claim that those two violent sports don’t represent the majority of Canadian citizens these days. The outspoken anti-hate, hate group NOKU, No One Knows Us, has taken aim at hockey and lacrosse as their next target, in a campaign to rid Canada of everything offensive. Spokesman for the group, Earl Schiffmoore, had this to say:
We know, that you know, that we know, that you don’t know who we are, and so we do because we know, but you don’t. Therefore I say unto you that this charade of nonsensical bushwa lemmings throwing a ball you call lacrosse, and this dumbed down he-man woman hating circus of brutes on ice you call hockey has to stop. Lacrosse was stolen from the Native American’s when you fed them fire water, and hockey players smack a puck with a stick, a black puck I might add, a black puck ladies and gentlemen, think about that. Furthermore both of these barbaric sports are antiquated and redundant in this day and age. The game is nothing more than barbarians trying to get black pucks, and white, or orange, or yellow, or lime greenish balls into a net, think about that, lime green, just think about it damn it. It couldn’t be more offensive, and all while trying to beat the hell out of each other, with sticks, yeah, with sticks. So, we are petitioning this government to change the national sport to synchronized swimming, something beautiful and meaningful. We also ask that both hockey and lacrosse be outlawed, though we are willing to allow women’s lacrosse to stay due to its lack of violence, granted that they use a multicolored ball, with no white in it.
Prime minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, stated:
Thank you to all who signed this petition, your voices were heard loud and clear. Let it be known that I thought about it, lime green, what else need be said. After thinking long and hard I have come to the decision that hockey and lacrosse no longer represent the changing face of this country, and the world. The men who toppled the mountains with brute force alone have seen their day, and that day has lost its shade. The modern person we once called man is sensitive and soft, gentle and oft-times cuckold, but we wouldn’t have it any other way now would we. So let it be known that from this day forth a real person we once called man need not rope the stallion to ride into the sunset, all he, or she, or they, or zed, must do is ask. And with that I say to you that hockey and lacrosse will be no more! From this day forward. Except of course women’s lacrosse, we have no problem with women, please remember that.
Shortly after Trudeau made this statement he ran into a group of hockey players who quickly changed his mind. Trudeau retracted his statement, hockey and lacrosse have never been better.