Kelly Brothers Unite Ireland

Last week the future King of England, Prince William, left the protection of his royal guardians and decided to take a horseback ride through the countryside of Ireland, where he was visiting. While riding and enjoying the beauty of the country, and wishing his family still owned the lot of it, he lost track of himself and got turned around in a small section of forest that Cromwell didn’t tear down. When he realized that he was alone and lost in Ireland, a country not to fond of the crown, he panicked and somehow spooked his horse which then threw him, and then ran off. When he was thrown from his horse he landed face first in some mud, causing him to panic more because he thought that he had gone blind, resulting in him getting up and trying to run to safety but instead running off of a cliff. The fall injured Prince William severely, having broken his leg and a few ribs, he was unable to get up onto his feet. A couple of farmers out hunting discovered Prince William after hearing what they believed to be a baby crying. Being good Catholic boys, Michael and Emmet Kelly, saw it as their duty to help the injured man, so they fashioned a stretcher and carried Prince William back to their home. Not owning a television or computer, the Kelly brothers had no idea who William was. When they arrived back home they placed the battered prince on a bed and treated his injuries. According to Michael Kelly:

The tanks we get I tell ya. Me brother and I carried this bastard about a kilometer or so back home and the whole time he was just complainin’ about everyting, and when he wasn’t complainin’ he was tryin’ to order us around like, I couldn’t believe the shyt comin’ out a this gobshite’s mouth. By the time we got back I was already knackered from carryin’ the dosser, so a poured meself a pint of the black stuff and kicked me feet up while me brother looked him over.

According to Emmet Kelly:

After we laid the fella down I looked him over, ah sure he was bloody and had some bangaxed bones but he was gonna be just fine. He wouldn’t stop cryin’, and he wouldn’t stop insultin’ us, tellin’ us what a kip we lived in and all that. So I decided to have a bit a craic, I told him that he was badly injured and that the more he talked the sooner he’d die. Jaysus, after I said that he started blubberin’ like a baby, so I told him that I was only takin’ the piss but he didn’t stop, he just gave me a phone number and asked me to call the queen mum he said, so we went to call his mom.

After getting a phone number from William the Kelly brothers, fed up with the prince, left him alone and walked to the nearest town several miles away to use a phone. Michael called the number and the Queen of England picked up, the following is a transcript of that phone call.

Queen: Hurum hurum, yeeesss?

Michael: Yeah hi is this William’s mom?

Queen: Williams mum? No! By George this is the Queen of England you pig, I am his grandmum, how did you get this number?

Michael: You don’t have much class do ya?  Anyway your son gave it to me, he had a little accident so me brother and I took him and are lookin’ after him.

Queen: What did you say!? What!? William is hurt!? Oh dear me, what have you done!? What have you done with him? What do you want?

Michael: We didn’t do anything. He fell off of his horse and smashed himself up so we helped him.

Queen: You expect me to believe that? William is the next in line for the throne, he doesn’t simply fall off of his horse. It doesn’t matter, what are your demands?

Michael: Me demands?

Queen: Yes you monster, what do you want?

Michael: We just want you to get him out of our hair.

Queen: Do you expect me to believe that? Now what is it that you want!?

Michael: I wouldn’t mind a pint right about now.

Queen. I’m sure you wouldn’t you drunk, I’ll give you ten million Euro’s just don’t hurt him anymore.

Michael: Ten million Euro’s?

Queen: Fine, fifty million!

Michael: Sure, why don’t ya give us the six counties back while you’re at it.

Queen: Done! You can have your pitiful country back, it’s a slum anyway.

Michael: Sure lady, we’ll get a lift with him back to town at seven, or will you be sending a limo?

Queen: Yes, I will send a car at seven to your location right now.

After the call ended Queen Elizabeth put pen to paper and freed Northern Ireland from British rule. The Kelly brother’s also received fifty million Euro’s. The Queen tried to have the Kelly brothers arrested but the Irish government refused to go after them, instead they honored them as hero’s.