The Great Television Crisis of 2017

Americas leading cable providers and 28 powerful executives within the advertising industry all gathered together Friday afternoon to come up with a solution to people changing the channel when commercials come on. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but corporations claim they lose tens of millions of dollars a year, due to the national commercial crisis, as they call it. The solution cable companies and big corporations came up with is to not allow Americans to avoid commercials by switching from channel to channel. According to a spokesman from a leading cable provider:

A lot of our sponsors have decided to reduce funding, and some have decided to pull out all together, this was an unsettling reality that we were facing, especially with our biggest day, the super bowl, drawing near. Fortunately we talked it over with our sponsors and rallied competing television networks to ban together, in order to provide a workable solution to the national commercial crisis. What we came up with is an algorithm within a simulcast that will loop a spot amongst transponders without compromising an absolute event but will still obey the master clock in order to bring you your regularly scheduled programming, with some hammocking.

What they mean is that whenever you change the channel you will get a commercial. Networks are going to sync so that no matter what channel you change it to there will always be an advertisement playing, and that some of your favorite television shows will be on at different times because they will have a strange, poorly rated show on before or after it. The day of escaping commercials on TV is finally here. Switching over to a satellite provided television service will not help you, they’ve signed up for the commercial ‘loop’ as well. Book sales are expected to hit an all-time high within 2018.