Dr. Moran’s Device of Immortality

The struggle with mortality is a universal aspect of all man kind, until now. Dr. Francis Moran of the Arlington Institute of Technology has just released his marvelous invention to the public which will allow us to virtually live forever, for the right price of course. Dr. Moran’s electronic heart sleeve is a mesh casing that fits around one’s heart to make it beat forever, and if you have $691,166 it can be yours. So how does it work? According to Dr. Moran, “the EHS fits snuggly around your heart, it measures the rhythms and records your own personal heart fingerprint, so to speak, to an onboard microchip, over a matter of time it can store your hearts patterns in every state you exist in, if anything ever happens to you the EHS will kick in and continue to make your heart beat normally thus allowing its user to potentially live for thousands of years, if not more, basically until your body literally turns to dust.”

That really is fascinating stuff, but what about major injuries that would normally cash you out for good? Well, according to Dr. Moran, “of course it is preferable to live carefully, I don’t recommend jumping off of waterfalls or anything like that for the rush, perhaps you’ve seen that Goldie Hawn movie, oh what is it?, Death becomes her, yes that’s the one, great movie by the way, one of Bruce Willis’ less known but finer films if you ask me, but anyway, the effects are not unlike what happens to Goldie and Meryl in that movie, oh I just love them, but seriously in real life the consequences are much greater. For instance if you fall off a building you will go splat and break all your bones, but lets just say you break all your bones and keep your blood, you wouldn’t be able to move, your heart would beat but you’d better have the money and a doctor who can fix every bone in your body and reconnect your nervous system. Now if you get shot over and over or someone stabs you in the neck you will not die, as your blood drains from your body your heart will beat until you fill yourself up again, like you would a car but with blood which is easier said than done. Honestly, the only way to stop your heart whilst wearing my EHS is to shoot or stab you in it, you’d basically become like a werewolf without the cool stuff that happens on a full moon.”

So how do you know this works? Dr. Moran stated, “well, my team hired some, let’s just say people who wouldn’t be missed, asked them to sign some forms, implanted the EHS, and then tried to kill them by injecting enough heroin into them to kill an elephant, they all lived and continue to do so. We proved it worked without a doubt.” Dr. Moran will be off of probation in 2020, after this interview the police tried to arrest him for attempted murder, they couldn’t because of the waivers but did bust him for the ounces of heroin he had lying around which after turned in by the police was only a few grams, the whereabouts of the majority of heroin is unknown though believed to be back on the streets.