As the world turns and the seemingly insane gain more power and influence every day we notice things begin to change, unfortunately for the worst at times, such as the new common core English and grammar standard making its way into schools across America. You may remember reading such classics as ‘A Tale of Two Cities’ or ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ in high school, you may also recall spending a whole month studying the works of Shakespeare, well, a lot has changed. Such books are being taken off the shelf only to be replaced by modern books such as, ‘Does God Ever Speak through Cats,’ and ‘Yoga for Equestrians.’ Students now spend a month studying the lyrics of Lady Gaga or Usher rather than truly great writers.
Other than the change in the required reading the optional reading list ranges from, ‘Text Messages from a Friend’ to ‘US Weekly magazine.’ Students are also required to ignore any traditional rules of grammar and are told to write how they feel in what the developers of the new common core call ‘newspeak.’ An example in the handbook states, “the sentence, If you know I hate milk, then whom did you get it for? is also correct when written as, IFf u no i h8 melk…than whod ya gets it 4#!.(?). Remember there are no wrong answers.”
Shirley Young, a twelfth grade English teacher, had a lot to say on the new changes, “I’ve been teaching English for about thirty years now and I never thought anything like this would ever happen. I’d say it’s a disgrace but times are changing, and I’d probably lose my job if I did. I guess it’s not all bad, after thirty years of teaching one does get tired of grading papers, now I literally just decide their grades by playing darts. Of course, I can never give any of my students a failing grade as we’re instructed that there are no wrong answers, not to mention these kids are so damn touchy these days anyway. Honestly, if I read one more paper titled, ‘y my girlfriendz txts r mean!’ or ‘Instagram-lotta pics little words #realtalk’ I’m going to lose my mind, so I do encourage my students to at least write book reports on their favorite magazines.”
Though many students still prefer to actually read a good book anything written by George Orwell is prohibited. Any student found on school grounds with his works are punished with a $1,000 fine and are immediately and indefinitely suspended.